7MMO
Moderator
Matchbox The Movie premieres October 9 on Apple TV.
It's hard separating the cars from the cartist here. Matchbox The Movie starts as a ridiculous ad for the 70-year-old toy line, which are literally just small die-cast metal cars, and then cranks up its volume for some empty, fleeting nonsense. Apple TV has a strong case for having the best quality shows of the Streaming Wars but it's not perfect. Like other streamers, it's also given us dumb bullshit. Let's dig deeper...
Sadly, the best thing about Matchbox The Movie -- which is that it goes overboard with large-scale, globe-trotting action -- is hamstrung by it being a watch at home on your couch affair. Look, it's all forgettable, and a waste of a Marvel movie-sized budget, but at least on the big screen the big set pieces from director Sam Hargrave (stunt coordinator for Infinity War and Endgame, director of both Extraction* flicks for Netflix) could get the presentation everyone's hard work deserves. Nothing's ever going to take your breath away on a 55" screen though.
(*Despite them also being non-theatrical releases, y'all should check out the insane Oners in this franchise.)
Matchbox The Movie centers on middle school friends in a small Ohio town, who call themselves the Matchbox Gang (ugh) because they somehow enjoy playing with teensy cars in the year of our lord 1997. Four of them grow up to have careers based on the specific Matchbox vehicle they liked as a kid (you can almost hear the Mattel boardroom execs hubbub positively at this idea). One of the gang, however, Sean, moves away and winds up becoming a no-ties, family-doesn't-exist dickhead secret agent. John Cena plays adult Sean, who returns home after decades and inadvertently gets his estranged pals roped up in a dangerous international conspiracy involving a missing nuke. Now they all must work together to clear their names and save the day.
Jessica Biel, Teyonah Parris, Sam Richardson, and Arturo Castro round out the cast, along with Danai Gurira, and Corey Stoll. None of these folks are to blame here. They're all fun, talented performers more or less wasted in a movie that feels like it came from an episode of The Studio (also available on Apple TV). It just makes you feel bad when these guys do their best to make the movie's meager emotional moments work.
"Matchbox is glitzy, glossy and hollow, never even trying to present something original.
These aren't really characters, though, they're brief character summaries. Construction truck guy never wants to leave town. His flying wife wants to see the world. Paramedic race car woman wants to help people. And quickly. Fun fact: Since race car lady (Biel) is the woman Cena's spy dude has been pining for, she has to be available. But it's been decades so she had to have been married before. I thought to myself, "I bet she says I was married, didn't take." And guess what, you guys?
Matchbox is glitzy, glossy and hollow, never even trying to present something original. Everything is safe and familiar and easy, which has always been Hollywood's go-to answer for trying to hit as many quadrants as possible, thus potentially making the most money. But it's always, no matter how many times the lesson hasn't been learned, led to unexceptional dust. You also can't trick people into thinking your movie is good by having your characters recurrently reference better action movies.
There's a chance this will be a disposable "streaming hit." Like a Red Notice or a Back in Action or a War Machine. It's a futile accolade, based on metrics with too many loopholes, workarounds, and sleight of hand. It means people will put this on their TV, on a service they already subscribe to. It could be on in the background or it could provide TV light while falling asleep. What it definitely means is that people will easily do that rather than buy a ticket to see it in the theater.
Let's talk about what this is: it's a multi-million dollar mistake based on the worst takeaways from the massive success of the Barbie movie. It was movie studio and toy company heads thinking that Barbie was a hit because it was based on doll people know. There could be no other reason, right, that people, primarily women, went and saw Barbie over and over again? Here now stands the grotesque love child of this obtuse reasoning. There were then pitches all over town for toy movies. What can we do with Matchbox? The answer is, obviously, nothing. Now, I firmly believe that this film was probably the best idea for a Matchbox movie. But the best idea for a Matchbox movie is still a terrible idea for a movie. If something's the best-worst, or the least-awful, don't make it.
Ultimately, any movie based on a toy or a video game or a comic is an ad for that product. Barbie worked because it magically side-stepped that puddle by being about something socially relevant and important. Matchbox was never ever going to be capable of that. Barbie was also damn funny. This movie has laughs you can count on one hand if you're feeling charitable (all, in part, thanks to Sam Richardson). Matchbox The Movie is like when Wayne's World had to shill for Noah's Arcade. There's even a moment in the beginning where a character muses about the history of the Matchbox toy line, like it's Americana we should salute.
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